The Lies

Even as I am slowly starting this blog, massive amounts of doubt go through my head and words that are like the words below keep taunting me.

"Look at her, she is going through a hard time, she knows pain. What do you know? How can you write about tenacity in hard times?" These words went through my head as I read about a young widow suffering the pain of her loss.

For a few minutes after hearing those words, I froze and started to silently agree with what they said. Immediately, I wanted to scrap the idea of going on with the blog and just stay under the covers and stuff my face with chocolate. It's incredible how a few words could strike a blow right through me enough to make me doubt and throw out all the truth that God has said about me. And all these feelings of inadequacy because I wasn't at the same place that someone else is at right now. Comparison rears its ugly head even when there is no reason to.

While things are tough going for my husband and I right now and I know so many are also going through tough times, just because I don't give in to feelings of despair and hopelessness does not mean I don't feel the depth of the situation we're in or get discouraged at times, especially when we are living in a foreign country. And, just because I'm not crying on the kitchen floor due to my fear or grief right now does not mean I have never known pain. By the way, I have done that too, so no shame in that either. I might not know the pain someone else is feeling but that does not mean I have not gone through pain myself nor does that mean I cannot empathize with those going through it now. Those words suggested to me were not true at all, because I do know pain, I have gone through pain, maybe not the same pain as someone else, but it was debilitating, gut-wrenching pain all the same. So why then did I receive those words as being true?

This was something to analyze, how quickly it was that I had taken the bait of those words and received them as truth and allowed my emotions to immediately succumb them. I needed to be more conscious and aware of what thoughts I was thinking on. I need to filter out the words that are contrary to God's truth about me and reject them. The lies suggested by the enemy seek only to prey on my emotions so that my emotions will rise and my faith will recede. They led me to compare myself with another in order to compare, of all things, the level of grief and pain felt so I would feel less and inadequate just because I am not in that place. It sounds ridiculous to say it out loud, but that was exactly what was happening. And those words were not even true yet they made me feel guilty, inadequate and doubtful all at once.

Once I realized what was happening, I had two options. One, I could go on letting my emotions dictate my behaviour and stay hidden under the covers, paralyzed by fear while continuing to feed myself an unhealthy diet of lies and chocolate; or two, I could start reminding myself of what God says about me, believe them instead and kick out the lies so they can't affect me. If you must, do the kicking literally. Go on, it's ok to do some kicking as long as no one gets hurt and that includes you, or the furniture doesn't get broken in the process. Make sure your shoes are on properly so they don't get flung off and hit someone. It happens.

Ok, where was I? Oh yes. As for me, the one way I know to break feelings of inadequacy in myself is to do exactly what I know I need to do even if  I don't feel I know enough yet.

I will say this now, the truth is,  I don't know enough. I will never know enough because I am in the process of learning and growing and this is an ongoing process that will continue until the Lord takes me home. But what I do know and have learned, I will share because it might just help someone else. It might make someone else feel less alone and a little stronger to know that another woman is also battling the same thing and those feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt are not emotions we need to accept for ourselves because they come from a place of untruth.

So, despite my feeling like I shouldn't be writing this blog because I feel I am not adequate enough to write it, I will write it. I will share my failures and my triumphs and I will share that in the midst of it all is my God, bigger than my problems and pain, who is always there to hold me and pick me up no matter if I deserve it or not.

I choose faith in God over fear every time even when it gets hard to do, even if I have to crawl to that place of faith because He has never lied to me and in all the years since He brought me back to Him, He has always been faithful.

And I know He will come through for me again in whatever way I need Him to come through for me. So, I hold on to Him and know that I am enough because He directs my path and gives me the ability to do what I need to do.


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